02 / 03: young old people

welcome back, everybody. 

here we go. week three. i heard somewhere this week that if you make a promise to yourself and keep it, you’ll gain confidence. funny, right? but yeah, the whole thing is apparently that by keeping promises to yourself, you’ll make yourself more confident. whereas when you break a promise you made to yourself, you’re more likely to tell yourself that you’re failing in some way. so, here i am, keeping my promises. for your benefit, sure. but mostly for mine, i guess. 

i don’t know. i guess i’m allowing myself to be a bit selfish these days. i’m trying all kinds of new things, it’s actually borderline astonishing, let’s be real. because if you know me, you know how terrified i am. of everything. and yes, if you’re having deja vu, we’ve talked about this once or twice or a thousand times. point is, i’ve been trying new things and i’ve also been waiting to see if they stick. i haven’t just been deciding off the bat whether i like something or not, i’ve been making myself do things for multiple days in a row and then i make an educated decision on how i feel. revolutionary, i know. 

but let’s get into that lil limbo spot after i’m done uselessly rambling but before i start meaningfully rambling, where i get really meta and talk about the blog like i’m not currently writing it. basically, i was in my hometown this past weekend, which we are for sure going to get into. lots to unpack there. but the reason i even say that is that the amount of people i went to high school with who told me that they read my blogs was insane to me. i’m so serious. i know we went over this last week as well. i just want to say thank you one more time. none of you are forced to be here, so i’m really glad you’ve decided this is something you want to spend your time focused on. and for anyone i went to high school with, hi :). it’s really cool to go home and have people that i wasn’t sure even really knew anything about me tell me how much they love reading my blogs. feels crazy. 

but let’s get into the real stuff. this week i’m talking about time. ooh baby, if you know me, you know i loooove talking about time and how ultimately effed up it is. being home this past weekend really showed me how wild time actually is, believe it or not. i mean five minutes ago, i was driving to austin by myself for the first time, moving into my dorm, walking to my first college class. and then, last night, i made the trip back for the last time for awhile. three weeks from now, i’ll be writing to you from my dorm for the last time. i genuinely could not tell you how fast this year has flown by. i mean i just looked up and all of a sudden i’ve been in a serious relationship for seven months?? crazy. 

and usually, i wouldn’t decide to publicly write about something so personal to me. but that’s the thing. it’s not just me. it’s all of us. everyone i graduated with last year is having the same weird old people feelings that i’m having. we are all completely baffled at the fact that nine months have gone by since we started college. i mean, it makes no sense. those little kids we left behind to take care of our dear old ascension are leaving now, just like we did. they’re counting down the days, they’re graduating, they’re planning futures. my cousin is going to college next year. some of my favorite underclassmen are about to become seniors in high school. my kid brother is my height. my baby cousins are too big for me to pick up and they’re both smarter than me. my dad has a new puppy. my room back at home is a storage unit. things have changed. 

it’s just so weird to think that while i was over here building a new life, i was leaving the old one behind. not just leaving it behind, but leaving it in someone else’s hands. everything has changed and there’s no going back now, and i’m glad that it’s different but i’m also scared of it. and i know you are too. 

my first friend best friend, my most well known frenemy, and some people i never thought i’d talk to again have all been reminiscing with me these past few days, meeting me in an absolute freak out about growing up. it almost feels as hopeless as it does hopeful. i think that even after all we go through, all the things we’re forced to experience even when we’re kicking and screaming not to, in some ways we want to be every version of ourselves we’ve ever been. no matter how bad we want to forget, no matter how bad we wish things hadn’t been how they were. if we can just be every part of ourselves, live all of them at once, maybe we’ll be able to exercise some control and change what happened. stop time. freeze the moment and fix it up and live it forever. but we can’t. 

and don’t even get me started on my aunt. she’s in her late twenties. married three years ago. she was starting middle school when i was born. so, we’ve always been somewhat close because she was my cool older sister at times and i was just that right age where i was cute just long enough for her to overlook my annoying and take me under her wing. she lived four hours away in shreveport, but i always wanted to be just like her. after all, she did teach me how to do the soulja boy at the ripe age of four years old. 

well, she’s pregnant. i’ve got eternal baby fever, so it’s no surprise that this was very exciting news to me. i mean, babies?? hell yeah. but here’s the problem. that means i’m next. me. i can’t explain to you how badly i’ve always just wanted to hurry up and grow up. i’ve always just wanted to be in charge of myself, to make my own decisions, go where i wanna go and be who i wanna be. that’s the dream. but way down in there, i’m still like fourteen years old in my head. and now i’m next. 

she’s the last oldest in our family before me. she and i bridge the gap between the real adults and the children. so that means, once this baby is here, i’m done. i’m officially not a kid anymore, i’m one of those old people. and it means i’m next. i’m the next one to settle down, marry someone, have my kids, and start being old. 

is that not terrifying?? this summer, i’m living at my mom’s house where i grew up. but next year, i’ll have a summer internship and a more permanent place to live in austin. which means that this summer is the last time i’ll ever live at my parents house again. it’s the last time i’m a kid anymore. no more sleepovers after my mom picks up me and all my friends from a party across town. no more sleeping on the mini pull out couch in my room. no more driving across town and randomly picking up soph. no more stupid fights with my mom about homework or being home on time. no more screaming at my brother about the thermostat. 

after this summer, i’m really on my own. i’m really gonna be an adult doing adult things. and this is what i’ve always wanted, but what if it’s not. everyone always said to enjoy being a child because when you grow up, all you want is to go back to that. but let’s get contradictory. i know everything i just said was real and had meaning, but i wouldn’t go back. i wouldn’t relive old moments, i wouldn’t change things, i wouldn’t even warn myself if i got the chance. because now i’m me. and you know i love to throw out a good cliche in these things, so i’m gonna say it. i wouldn’t be where i am today without all those stupid, awful, amazing things that happened to me and passed. 

so, let’s talk. what on earth are we gonna do?? how is this contradictory crisis we’ve found ourselves in going to be solved? well, here’s what i’ve got. i say, let’s be adults. let’s age and let time go by, weird as it is. it’s fast and slow and never ending and finite all at once. so we’re gonna get older no matter what. we’re gonna embrace it. we’re gonna take it in as it comes and we’re gonna hold on when we need to and let go when it’s time. but we’re gonna stay young. we’re gonna do things we love and do them often. we’re gonna enjoy ourselves and we’re gonna say yes to everything within reason. we’re gonna do what we want and we’re gonna have a damn good time. 

and we can do it together or we can take it on our own. at the end of the day, you know you’ve got me and i know i’ve got caffeine, so it’ll all be okay. but in all seriousness, there’s always community. you know who your people are. say it out loud, text them, call them, reach out. get your people and get young and don’t ever let time tell you what to do. 

after all, time is a manmade construct. do whatever you wanna do with it. 

so, your advice this week. 

throw on some alanis morissette, hand in my pocket, take two deeps breaths, and don’t get old. 

just keep in mind, what it all comes down to is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet. and even still, everything’s gonna be quite alright. 

we’re coming up on the season finale, folks, so let’s make it a good one. 

until next week.

- lola claire <33