02 / 04: i’m coming home soon

hey there, everyone. 

it’s been a long week, so today will be a short talk. i’ve got a lot on my mind today. recently in general there’s just been things weighing heavy on the brain, if ya feel me. i won’t dive into details, but some really big changes are happening within me right now. i’m giving up a few of my favorite things and i’m taking some much needed me time. but in the interest of working on myself, i gotta keep my promise. 

this week’s edition may not be anywhere near as good as the others and it may not be what you were expecting, but i said i’d be real and now i am. i’m beginning the process of moving into the next chapter of my life. i realized recently that i’ve been searching for myself all over the place and still can’t find her. she’s off somewhere with her life360 turned off and her cell on vibrate. so wherever she is, she can’t hear me and i can’t see her. which is why i’m about to embark on a journey in order to find her again. 

i’ve got all the clues in place, but i can’t take all my things with me. it’s gonna be a long road and i’m not strong enough here at the beginning to carry so much. so, there’s a lot i have to leave here for when i come back. but i know it’s going to be easier this way, even when it’s hard to go without the things i thought were necessary. it’s a trip i’ve got to take on my own because if i want to find myself i can’t scare her off with the presence of anyone else. so, for now, i’ve gotta leave someone back home to keep the lights on and to water the plants and to tell everything i’ve left behind that i’m coming home soon. 

it’ll be longer than the end of this blog post before you’re able to understand everything i’m saying, and it’ll all make sense someday, but for now i just need you to trust me. i’m not going anywhere but i’ve gotta go everywhere in the meantime. i have to find her. 

because one of my biggest fears is standing still. i’m so scared of standing still but i’ve been stagnant for longer than i can remember. longer than i’d like to admit. I’ve gone so far away from where i was that i don’t even recognize myself most days. and that’s something i want to share. i would usually never ever be caught dead telling the general public and anyone who will listen how much i cannot stand myself. but it’s important that you know that there are days that i cannot even escape my self loathing for long enough to glance in the mirror. and on the days that i do, i search and i stare and i don’t see anything familiar, which is even worse than the days i don’t look. and the reason this is important is because i don’t know who else understands that feeling. i know someone else must because feelings are never lonely, no matter how much they tell you they are. so i want you to know because i want you to understand that you aren’t alone. we can sit together and stare at the floor. no perception. not of ourselves and not of each other. i will lay on the ground with you, eyes closed, and we don’t have to look at anything. but at least we won’t be alone. 

the wisest man i know told me just yesterday that choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’re selfish. choosing yourself does not mean that you are selfish. there is such a vast and intense difference in being selfish and hurting others for your own gain and choosing yourself and having to temporarily let go of the things you love for your own good. 

because let’s be real. even if we’re lying on the ground hand in hand, you’ll never feel less lonely until you’ve got you again. so, it’s not selfish to leave things behind when you need to get yourself back. you have to live with yourself, whether you like it or not, and if you can’t even find yourself, it hard as hell to keep on living like you have. 

i’ll never be less lonely. i have to find myself or i’ll never be less lonely. i don’t recognize what i’m left with up there and in the end i won’t have anything left out here if i don’t go out and find her and bring her home. 

i need to go find myself and i’m so sorry that i do. 

i’m sorry that this is the way the journey goes. 

i’ve got a lot of work to do and you’ll find all of it here. 

and until i come home, i cannot thank you enough. 

for keeping the lights on.

and watering the plants. 

and reminding everything i’ve left behind that i’m coming home soon

i’m coming home soon. 

- lola claire <33