02 / 02: maybe it’s maybelline

wow oh wow. 

i cannot even begin to express how happy and grateful last week’s post made me. i had no idea that this many people even noticed whether i posted here, let alone actually enjoyed or wanted more of it. big shoutout to ela acevedo, who was the first person to reach out after i posted and promoted “slim shady.” i don’t even think it had been five minutes since i posted the story announcing the new blog post, and ela made a point to actually call me and tell me how excited she was that my blogs were back. and that was the catalyst. soon after, i had messages from all my old back home friends congratulating me and expressing real excitement for my blogs coming back. it really showed me that the things i have to say matter to people.

i mean you might be here for a multitude of reasons. maybe it’s nice to laugh at someone other than yourself for once. maybe you actually take something away from my nonsensical rambling. maybe you wouldn’t even want me to know you’re here. maybe you’re looking for something to make fun of. maybe you just don’t want to feel so alone anymore. i’m with you there. maybe you want to hear what i want to say. maybe you’re here by complete accident. and maybe it’s the opposite. maybe it’s maybelline. anyway…

whatever reason you’re here, i’m so beyond glad you are. and last week just made me feel good. see, i think part of the problem with me posting consistently is that i never really felt like anyone was out there listening. maybe it’s different now because i live somewhere else and people want to see what i’m up to. or maybe you were here all along and me in all my tunnel vision just didn’t notice. i’ve always been such an instant gratification kind of person that it’s so hard for me to see things if they aren’t standing in front of me screaming and begging to be seen. i look past a lot of things because i’m so scared the future won’t be what i planned that i can’t even see the next step i need to take to get there. all of this to say, i don’t know if you cared before, but i’m in awe that you care now. and i promise i’m gonna make it worth your while. 

when i sat down to write this, i wasn’t even in a writing mood. this is an issue i’ve been battling for longer than i’d like to admit. you know how long covid has been around, right? well, that should give you some insight. i went through a lot of emotionally demanding situations over the past few years and i felt like it all stripped me of my muse for writing, in a way. but even as i was telling myself that it’s just a silly little blog, i was remembering how many of you had nice things to say last week. and i promised you i’d write at least once a week and post it on the silly little blog. so ela, if you’re the only person here right now, i’m writing for you girl. god, i hope the audience is bigger. i hope someone is out there. i hope you know you aren’t alone. i’m writing again and i’m doing it for you. 

i guess in ways i’m also doing it for me, though. this is probably the most cathartic thing i’ve done in awhile. i’ve been working out almost every morning between 6-8 am and if that’s not cutting loose all this stuff i’ve got bubbling up inside of me, i’m sure this’ll do it. after all, i love writing. whether i feel like i’m good at it, whether i’ve got inspiration, whether i’ve got an audience, i’ve got the love for it. and it makes me feel good. i feel like a real person when i write, which doesn’t happen often these days. 

see that’s something i’ll probably end up writing a series of these about. college is so weird. there’s no better way to describe it, it’s just so weird. i’m not gonna get into that right now. just know at some point in the future, that’s it. college is weird and i don’t feel like a real person. 

back to what i was saying, it’s tuesday. it’s tuesday and i promised i’d write once a week. which is funny, because tuesdays used to be my least favorite day of the week. i guess we can all stay tuned to see if it gets back to that point, though i don’t think it will. 

i’ve had a lot going through my mind recently. a lot. i kind of get stuck up there pretty often. it’s like gum in the street. every time i get one thought of my shoe, there’s another, sticking to me like i’ve got all the time in the day to unstick myself from that god forsaken street. so, in the coming weeks, i’ll have a lot to write about. i’m sorry if you were expecting to get in deep this week, now that we’ve been introduced to one another. and if you’re disappointed, keep sticking around because next week will be a whirlwind. i love being a positive person, but from now on i’m gonna be a real person too. so this won’t all just be positive posts encouraging people to do things to better themselves all bright and happy-like. we’re gonna better ourselves, but we’re gonna have to worsen juuuuust a little bit in order to do that. so get ready to get messy, deep, and probably dark. but i promise, every week ends on a high note. the gum gets unstuck. 

this week was really about saying thank you. i have something to write for. i have someone to write for. if i’ve learned anything by being in a real, uncloseted relationship, it’s that writing to someone you love gets harder when you actually have so many other ways to show it. i get to tell people who i love all the time now, and i love it. but i’m so glad to be back to writing with love. 

so, you all have ela to thank. and i have you all to thank. 

however, i’m so unsure of what people want to hear about. so let me know. if you’re here it’s probably because you know me, so feel free to reach out and tell me what you wanna know. i’m here for the common good, not just to journal to the world. 

i’ve never liked doing the talking. but hit me, i’m ready. i’m so so ready to do all the talking. 

also, the perfect drink at jo’s is an iced vanilla latte with an extra shot and an extra pump of vanilla. there ya go! your first piece of advice. 

see ya on the other side baby.

happy tuesday :)

- lola claire <33