03 / 01: music queues and numbness

hello and welcome. 

not just to season three, but to a community, to a newer, continuing, work-in-progress writer, and to the beginnings of some very exciting changes. 

to start off, i’m doing something new. so bear with me on this one, okay? what i need you to do is open up spotify, apple music, whatever you use to listen to the tunes. i’m gonna try something that will hopefully be cool and if not we’re just gonna pretend like it didn’t happen. 

if you know me, you know that a loooong time ago i was in the process of writing a book that was dressed up as a screenplay. one of the things i was really excited about was that i was going to put music queues in so that it would feel more immersive and you could really create a movie in your head. that book is still in the works, but that’s beside the point. i’m gonna use the music queues idea because i always write these to music, and i think they may hit a lil harder for you guys if you’re having a similar experience reading it as i do writing it. 

so go to where the music is and queue up “burn your life down” by bleachers and “pressure machine” by the killers and put that shit on repeat.

house keeping is out of the way and i have some news that i want to share because i want to be really clear and really open with the people who read this. season three is all about big and small changes n getting back to who i want to be. who i was a long time ago. 

part of that is having to do something i wasn’t fully prepared to do. with that being said, i’m gonna be honest and let you all know that louis and i are no longer together. it was an extremely civil and understanding breakup, especially on his part. there is no one i could have gone through this with who would’ve been better than him, and for that i will never be able to fully express how grateful i am. louis was and remains my best friend and an integral part of me being able to get back to myself and accept the things i can’t change. he is a beautiful person and this was in no way about him personally. what i came to realize was that i need a best friend more than i need a boyfriend right now. i am never going to be able to do the work within myself and the work that needs to be done within a relationship at the same time. so, until i can get back to a place where i am mentally ready to be in a relationship, we’re going to stay friends. he has been a saint through all of this and he is so strong and so brave and i won’t ever forget those things about him. so louis, thank you for all that you do and i hope you know how deeply i appreciate your encouragement in finding myself again. 

143 <33

a lot of people had questions about what happened and i want to be completely clear that we had a mutual understanding that we needed to work on ourselves. like i said before, this is a road i’ve got to travel alone. someone’s gotta stay back and water the plants, ya know?

so, the thing i really wanted to talk about today has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few days. i used the picture i found as the cover photo for this blog, so please take the time and read it if you haven’t yet. it’s extremely important. it perfectly describes everything i’ve been feeling this past week.

the thing i have learned this week is plain and simple. i would rather feel shitty and alone and sad and helpless than feel nothing at all. 

for the longest time, i’ve had friends talking about going numb. how much they hate the part of being depressed that makes them go numb. and i never ever understood that. depression is different for everyone. for me it always came in waves, so it would either be completely manageable and i would be fine, or i would be a sobbing mess on the floor, feeling more than i could handle. i’ve always thought that i felt things so deeply that i just wasn’t the kind of person who could get that numbness that people were always talking about. 

until january. 

that was when it kind of all hit at once. what i thought had been a slump from being back in lafayette for winter break turned into a months-long depreciation of my self worth, self esteem, and mental health in general. and i finally hit a breaking point one night during a fight i had started with louis. i was being completely irrational and i had been holding so much inside of my own head that it was started to seep into all the other parts of my life. 

i never stop talking, but i hadn’t really told anyone anything in months. i had myself convinced that i would just let it go if i wouldn’t let it out. that it would just simmer back down like it always did. but i broke down and one day i woke up and realized i didn’t feel anything anymore. i guess in a way it was what i wanted, but it went too far. there was nothing left. i stopped caring about how i treated louis until after we would get in fights and i would feel awful for the things i said to him. i started looking in the mirror and not really recognizing who was in there. i couldn’t write, i couldn’t speak, i could barely even breathe. but i didn’t cry, i didn’t even so much as let out a deep breath. i just kept holding on even though i didn’t really want to at that point. 

so when it all came to a head, i gave it a few weeks and nothing changed. so i started talking to my best friend about what was going on in my head again. funnily enough, we came to realize we’ve been going through the same things all this time and never talking to the other one about it for god knows why. that was the only good thing to come out of what i was doing to myself. 

and now here i am. i broke things off with louis because it was more than unfair to treat him the way i was. i started talking to people i hadn’t talked to in awhile. i started to open back up to the world and reach out to the people i missed. and now i’m working on being less alone, and to be honest with you, it sucks. it hurts a lot these days to sit alone and realize that it’s my own fault. to come to terms with the fact that i shut all these people out trying to keep them from hearing the thoughts in my brain. to me, they were so loud i couldn’t get within a few feet of people. but to everyone else, it was so unobvious how hard i was struggling. it felt personal. it felt isolating. and now, for me, it is. isolating, i mean. 

so that’s what i’m working on. i’ve always had an issue with loneliness. i’m one of those tumblr posts about girls who feel alone in a crowded room, i’ll admit it. i am plagued with mental illness and my brain loves to play a damn trick on itself. it’s not something i can necessarily control, but i’ve been working really hard on understanding it these days. 

and what i’ve learned is that, yeah, some nights might feel really lonely. some days i might get really bad fomo and wish that things could change. i might look around at my empty room and feel just as empty inside. but to be honest, i so prefer that over not feeling anything. 

i have become so sick of feeling nothing. at least if i’m feeling sad or alone or depressed i’m still feeling. it all means that i’m healing. that i’m going through something. that i’m being a human. all these painful things that cut so deeply are simply reminding me what feeling things is like. what getting through the hard parts is like. what remembering and healing and forgiving and understanding is like. 

i may be feeling things that are hard for me to handle, but at least i’m feeling something. 

this week has been hard. it has felt impossible at times. i’ve only been back for six days and i can’t even explain to you how many times i’ve broken down into a puddle on the floor. heaving and sobbing and wishing that it would all just end and i would be okay again. 

but it isn’t that easy. and i’m glad it’s not. it hurts, but it’s a good hurt. it’s like going to the gym for the first time in a long time. when you wake up the next day, it hurts. but not the kind of hurt that deters you from going back. the kind of hurt that propels you forward and encourages you to keep going and keep working. 

all i can do now is have the good hurt. it’s all part of the journey. it’s all part of getting back to myself. 

i’d take the good hurt any day. 

so your advice for this week is to just let yourself feel it out. 

cry if you need to. hold your breath if you need to. wallow if you need to. but just do it. 

feel everything, feel it fully, and feel it with pride. 

put on a good playlist and cry. 

hold onto yourself so tight it hurts and just let it all go. 

be a person again and don’t keep yourself from it. 

i’ve got a lot more feeling left to do and i won’t shy away from it anymore. 

keep on going and i’ll see you again soon

- lola claire <33