02 / 05: cold blooded murder

good evening beautiful people

tonight, i’m joined by thousands of butterflies, not just in my stomach but fluttering through my entire body. i haven’t been able to keep food down or comfortably relax or even sometimes take a deep breath in the past few days. at first, i wasn’t sure if that was because of nerves or anxiety or something in between the two. i’m still not really sure, now that i think about it. but here’s what i know. things are changing now and i can feel it coming. 

it’s like that tiktok trend that’s going around right now, i can feel all over that this is the last episode of the season. from today to thursday, i’m living the season finale. change is coming and this is where season one ends and season two starts. except i’m not in season one. i honestly feel like i’m in season one hundred of life, but i’ll be real and we’ll say i’m finishing up season two and here comes season three. this season’s conflict is wrapping up, new characters are about to be introduced, the main characters are settled nicely into a resolution and soon to be back with longer hair and new fashion sense, and some major plot line changes are happening. i’m so ready for the next season. i don’t know about you, but i hate all that waiting between seasons, so in my show, we’re not doing that. 

no crazy cliff hangers to keep you on edge and wondering about my possible downfall for months or even years. no unanswered questions that you eventually forget about just in time so that the writers don’t have to tie up the loose ends. and absolutely no waiting months or years for production to get going on the new season you’re ready to binge the second the previous season ends. 

yeah, no. we’re not doing all that. it’s gonna be smooth and easy and you’re all coming along for the ride. after all, i’m on this crazy journey with myself and i’ve already started learning new things, which is what i’m gonna get into in a second. 

i guess this is somewhat of a trailer for the next season of my life, and i’m really glad you’re here to watch. i’m excited to share the things i’m gonna learn while i go down all these backroads looking for the me that was once there. 

so, let’s chat. i’m comin at ya quick with a new lesson learned already, just one week into my new introspections. it’s not even so much a lesson as a goal if i’m being honest. but let me explain. 

the first major thing i’m working on is leaving the past in the past. i’m done with all the things i’ve carried with me and held onto all this time. starting now, the things that have happened in the past have happened, they’re over, and they no longer effect me like they used to. 

i’m so sick of carrying the weight of all these things on my shoulders. there’s so many stupid things i keep doing that are things i should’ve left behind in high school to be real with you guys. for instance, i’m done censoring what people see of my life just because they weren’t nice to me or didn’t like me in high school. they don’t care about what i’m doing and they’re definitely not worried about it anyway, so why am i? why am i thinking about what that one person who may or may not have liked me in high school thinks about what i’m posting on instagram?? why am i still declining that one friend request just because of something that happened three years ago?? things like that are done. absolutely over. 

now, by no means am i just going to let people walk all over me. i’m not saying that i’m just gonna keep giving everyone more and more chances. what i’m saying is that certain things that i do need not be dictated by the idea of people (who definitely don’t care what i do) caring about what i’m doing. i’m just gonna live my life and if they have something to say, they’ll say it regardless of what i post on the internet. 

so from now on, all grudges are lost on me. all reservations i’ve had, all the people i haven’t talked to, all the conversations i haven’t had, all of the hiding i’ve done, is over.

i’m gonna work on just being nice for the sake of being nice. for awhile, after a lot of hard work, people finally started to see me as a light and a positive person. and i’ve never been happier than when i was making other people happier, so that’s what i’m getting back to. 

i mean, i talked to my roommate for the first time in months a few days ago and now we’ve been back to normal like nothing ever happened. what is me holding onto things and staying mad or scared of people ever gonna do to benefit me? nothing. 

so these first few steps are about just that. forgetting the things that have passed me, moving on, and moving up. i want to be a happy, bright, positive person again, and that’s what i’m gonna do. 

cliche time, i’m killing people with kindness these days and to say that feels really good. like a deep breath, really. 

so maybe, if you’re struggling with holding on to things that you just can’t seem to let go of, we can hold onto one another instead of holding on to old ideas. you and me baby, hand in hand, looking forward and to the sky. the things that are behind us are in the rearview. and like i said last week, i know i don’t have the strength to carry anything extra with me these days, and i’m sure you don’t either. 

we can do this. baby steps!!

so here’s to cold blooded murder of the past. in the nicest way possible. we’re turning corners, pedal to the metal, washing our hair, drinking smoothies, taking deep breaths, and writing. we’re doing all the things we love and we’re doing all the things we want to love. this season is about being new and also being original. going back to the me without going back to the them, if that makes sense. it’s time to keep moving, keep waking up and making change, keep living and keep killing!! with kindness, of course. 

i’m about to pack the past nine months of my life into boxes and literally get on the road. 

strap in, it’s about to get really good. 

next week. season three. 

new me, old me, lots more advice, and waaayyyy more. 

hop in and let’s hit it, baby!!

- lola claire <33