03 / 04: caffeine tolerance

hey there. been a minute. 

song today is “off my mind” by joe p

so, if you know me well at all, if you’re on my private story, or maybe even if you’ve been keeping up with these silly little vlogs, you know that being in lafayette has been pretty touch n go for me. when soph was here, it was pretty good because i had her as a constant distraction from everything that being here brings back for me. but she moved away a month ago and since then, things have become significantly more difficult. i started work the day after she moved away, working 9am to 1pm, and essentially having nothing else on my plate aside from that. 

so, i would come home every day with no plans and no soph to force to hang out with me. granted, there are other friends i have from high school who, i’m sure, i could’ve convinced into spending time with me. but here’s the kicker. personally, i find that when i’m depressed, it’s so hard for me to be with people. i’m an ambivert. that’s right, if you took the psat in 2018 then feel free to laugh your ass off at that. but basically, what it means is that i’m an introvert and an extrovert and it changed depending on the situation and how drained my social battery is. 

this means that when i go into a wave of depression, or melancholy if you wanna be indie about it, i can’t get myself to be around people. the thought of being with someone i’m not my absolute most comfortable and most close with is mentally draining and a little terrifying. so, i spent a lot of time alone and i got into a really low low. like. really. low. and i wouldn’t hang out with people, which would have made everything much better, because i could barely get the strength to get out of bed. 

to be real with you, it was hard to move from my bed to get food, water, and yes, even coffee. so getting dressed, putting on makeup, driving my car, going in public, that whole process was just a simple no from me. so my days would consist of waking up, going to work, coming home, and losing the momentum i built up in my few short hours in the presence of other human beings. 

thank god my stepdad is such a good salesman though, because that’s what saved me in the end there. the company he, and subsequently i, work at waayyyy boomed this year because he knows how to sell his shit. so, there was way more that needed to get done this summer than there was last summer, which meant i could switch to full time. not only do i really really need the money right now, but i need the time. i need to be forced to be with other people and i need to stay busy.

so that’s where i’ve been. 

weekdays, i work 9-5 at a job where i stand the entire time and do lots of physical work and heavy lifting. yeah, take a second and picture me doing heavy lifting, it’s a pretty hilarious image, i’ll be honest. and by the time i get home i have to throw myself into school work so that i can get everything done by midnight. because, yes, three classes is difficult, even fully online. then, it’s dinner and a workout immediately after. shower and get settled to finally slow down, and i’m knocked the f out in about three seconds. 

this may sound like a complaint or a really unfortunate situation, but oh my god do i love being busy. and this isn’t news to me. i’ve known and so have most people who know me for years. i’ve always loved staying busy, i thrive on it. especially when i’m mentally unwell. i was in one of the lowest lows i’ve had in a loooong time just a few weeks ago and now, i feel like a completely different person. 

not to mention i dropped from minimum four cups of coffee a day down to one or two max which was crazy. not a good time but i’m trying to detox and rebuild my caffeine tolerance. long story. moving on. 

so let’s talk about where i am now. 

i’m busy. 

i’m so busy it hurts and i love it so much. i barely have enough time in the day to take a deep breath, let alone time in the day to let my past seep in. 

because that’s what was happening. i lived in lafayette for my entire life and had a lot of things happen here, good and bad. but more recently it was a lot of good overshadowed by some really big, really negative things. so coming back was very difficult for me because i kept living in my head and in my past. there were all these triggers all over the place of memories i didn’t even know i held way back in there. so all of these memories and ideas and emotions were flooding back and even when i tried to let myself feel it out, to stop being numb, i wasn’t getting anywhere. i would still come home and sit in my room and feel sad and helpless and count down the days i had left here. 

and i’ll be honest, i’m still counting the days. because god, do i miss austin. i have never felt more like i belonged somewhere (except new york, of course). 

but i’m not constantly stuck in my head remembering things that aren’t real anymore. i’m not living in my high school brain, just my high school bedroom. i wrote a few letters that’ll never be sent and i took myself on a few dates. i went to pride with my friends and i went to a gay bar. i took a trip to baton rouge once or twice to see people i really love. i’ll hopefully be headed to new orleans one of these days. i’m working a job i love and i’m learning more about myself than i ever would’ve thought. i’m admitting things to myself and exploring things i never would’ve even said out loud. i’m writing and i’m reading and i’m living my life. 

and to be really honest with you, i’m a little sad thinking that i have just over a month before i head home. i wake up excited for work every day monday through friday. i leave with my music blaring and a smile plastered on my face. i spend the weekends wondering what my coworkers, and super close friends are doing. i feel good about myself and my grades and where i am emotionally. 

my coworker, allie, and even her sister bridget who also just started working with us, are two of my favorite people right now. they make the time go fast and they make me laugh and they make me feel like me. they talk to me and they listen to me and they teach me and they’re helping me get through this summer. i love those people and i don’t even want to think about not seeing them every day at the end of the next month and a half, but it’s such a good thing. 

at the end of the day, i’m doing what i wanted. 

i’m learning about me. 

i’m spending time with people i love. 

i’m honestly doing well. 

i feel really good. 

and even if it’s just a high point or another wave is coming, i know i’m ready. 

bring it on, baby. 

happy wednesday :)

- lola claire <3