04 / 01: home.

i’m back, baby. 

song this week: yes i’m changing - tame impala

by back, i mean in austin. i’m in my new apartment with my new roomates and my new(ish) life. i’m home. and i could not be happier. recently i feel like a completely new person. i feel so happy and so much more confident in myself. and it’s all because i’ve been doing things that feel the most like me. i haven’t been sliding back into who other people want me to be or what other people expect me to be. i’ve been doing the things that make me happy and i’ve been doing the things that make my heart crinkle. 

for such a long time, everything i was doing was always for someone else. it was always for a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a parent, a best friend, another family member, anyone but myself. i was doing things that made me the version of myself that could be flexible. the version of myself that could change on a dime to match what any given person was expecting or wishing to get from me. i was being partially me without being able to fully dive into myself and let go of all the things that other people were trying to attach to my personality. 

this summer was all about me. and i don’t mean that i assumed i was the main character in some indie movie, because i’ll be honest it wasn’t even close to main character energy. this summer was about me in the way that i had no choice but to make it about me and figuring out who i really am, or at least getting closer than i had been in a long time (maybe ever). 

i went into summer freshly single, no more close friends in my hometown or really anywhere near, and for the first time in a long time, i was truly alone. not just in the way that i was single and it was hard to be by myself, but it was the first time i was on my own with no lifeline. of course i had my family, but that is truly different from other friends or more-than-friends my age to go and do things with. so all i had left was me. i was back in my hometown for three months with no escape. there were no more distractions from past events and memories. no more masking the fears hiding in the dark by having another person there to rely on. in terms of being able to live life by myself, there was nowhere left to turn. the only way was through. 

so that’s what i did. i got through it. 

you all know about my getting a full time job and how helpful that was for my lonely little self. you know about how i decided to start dating myself and stay single for a year so that i could preserve the anti-loneliness i was growing inside. there’s really nothing else i can say about it. i couldn’t pinpoint when i changed, even if i tried. what really happened was that i spent the summer focused on feeling like myself. it was in baby steps, but somewhere along the way i dropped so much of what i was holding onto and i started to truly find myself along the way. i just kind of woke up one day and realized that the aching in my heart was feeling further and further away every time i opened my eyes to the sunlight coming in through my window. i looked back and somehow a whole summer had passed. and even though i was looking in the mirror, not totally impressed by the image looking back at me, i finally recognized her eyes. 

i could finally look in the mirror and see a familiar face. a smiling face. and it was surreal. somewhere along the way, i gained confidence that is a deep-down love for the person i am, regardless of how i feel about the way i look. it’s a different feeling entirely. i just feel truly good. for the first time in a long long time. i feel like someone i’m proud of. someone i love. someone who helps others. someone who knows who they are. 

and, of course, there’s so much left to learn. i’ll never stop learning, especially about myself. but i’m finally in a place where i feel like the person i always wanted to grow up to be. and that is the most empowering thing there is, in my opinion. 

so now, here i am. back in austin, new apartment, new roomates. and let’s talk about that new life thing. because yes, i was here at school last year, yes i knew these people last year, but this year, i’m the thing that’s new. i’ve got a little more courage, a little more confidence, and a little more motivation. i’m ready to lean in. i’m ready to keep being me. 

so, stay tuned. 

it’s my first day of school tomorrow. 

it’s my third night in my new bed. 

and it’s one of the first days of the rest of my life. 

i’m ready for what’s next and i hope you are too, 

get out there and learn about yourself and get ready for what’s coming to you. 

because it is coming. 

i’ll talk to you again soon. 

sending love your way always n forever. :))

- lola claire <33