reboot

Last Friday, September 26, 2020, I realized that I was doing everything wrong. As I sat on the park swings under a treehouse in my hometown, surrounded by some of the people who mean the most to me, I was suddenly hit with the reality of my situation. This is one of the firsts of my lasts with these people, along with everything else I’ll be leaving behind next fall. I sat in the dark sharing a giant chocolate chip cookie with my best friends and finally felt real again. After quarantine, I had decided that I was going to live my life to the fullest, but in the excitement of senior year and finally within reach of going away somewhere to live my life, I must have forgotten that promise I made to myself. Then, last Friday, it all came back and hit much harder than it had last time. Not only is it possible for me to lose everything all in one moment, but I am bound to leave behind life as I know it in just nine short months. No more driving down the street to see my childhood friends. No more nights snuggling in with my pets. No more sad days remedied by my little cousins and their never-ending cheer. No more routine life. And no more familiarity. I’ve lived my entire life in this town, and haven’t done half the things there are to do here with half the people I’ve wanted to do them with. I spent the ride home that night in tears, quickly trying to take in everything I could while I still had time, but I made another promise to myself. I’m going to spend every moment of these next nine months taking in every piece of this town I possibly can with the people who matter to me. No more Friday nights spent at home. No more drives without my music blaring and my windows down, and no more waiting. Because real life is just that, real life, and I refuse to spend it waiting for the future and what is yet to come. I love these people, and I love this town, and come fall 2021, I will be somewhere completely different and becoming someone completely different. When that time comes, I will not look back with regret that I didn’t spend enough time doing things and sharing them with people. When I land wherever I’m meant to be next August, I want to look back and remember how perfectly my time was spent and how much love I carried through it. Every moment of life matters, and I intend to treat mine like it.

two weeks ago, i graduated. and last week i went on my senior trip. i’ve taken all my finals, paid all of my enrollment fees for college, and i’m walking away from the past fifteen years of my life, diploma in hand. for those of you wondering, the place i will land next august is austin, texas at st. edwards university. i’m planning on studying journalism and double majoring in business administration, but just like most things in my life, that’s subject to change. i hope i’ll keep up my piano and more than that, i know i’ll be doing a lot more writing. above all, i’m excited to never have to talk about a radian again in my life. but the near future aside, i’m here to talk about the recent past. i left you on a cliffhanger, not knowing what would happen to me, but promising you that i would make the most of it. and god, did i. the past nine months have felt simultaneously like five seconds and five years. i’ve grown a lot, which i didn’t know was possible, considering i thought i had reached my peak version of myself back in the summer. something i’ve now learned will never be accomplished. because i think somewhere in me i do like change, and i know i’ll never fully be satisfied with myself. but anyway, a lot has been part of that growing i was talking about, and i don’t just mean because i’m growing out my bangs. waaayyyy back in september, i was honestly a completely different person, and i sit in front of you still consistently changing to get to where i know i want to be one day. in the past nine months, i performed in two shows at my school, made what feels like hundreds of friends, ended my longest serious relationship, tried a few times to be with someone new, realized i actually love being single, revamped my blog once or twice, learned my favorite song by far on the piano, healed my relationship with my mom, maintained three jobs and a 3.8 gpa, got into and enrolled in college, and countless other milestones. and that’s the least of it. i’ve spent the past nine months falling in love most importantly with myself, but most excitingly with those around me. i’ve found my people and made new best friends (one of which i get to take with me to be my roomate for the next four years). i’ve lost a few good people along the way, but they all taught me things i desperately needed to learn (or relearn, because we all know i like to make mistakes more than once). i think i lost myself in there a few times too, but luckily she and i always find our way back to each other. i had to deal with heartbreak and love myself through it, because if i didn’t, no one else was going to be able to. i had to talk myself down off the edge of a panic attack once or twice or a hundred times. i had to become independent and learn to rely on myself. i had to get along with my brother. i had to make money. i had to suffer a consequence or two. i’ve been excited, scared, nervous, happy, depressed, loved, lonely, and everything in between. i honestly couldn’t tell you everything that’s happened or everything i’ve done, and i’m kind of glad because we’d be here forever. what i can tell you is, i got the math book award and i’ve never been more proud of myself. but beyond that, i’ve lived so fully that believe it or not, i’m actually a little sad to leave lafayette in a few months. and if you know me, you know that’s big.

but the past is past, so let’s talk present, and even future if i’ve got you for long enough. i’m a bit sad right now, knowing that change is in the air. it’s already far beyond on the way. i think it started on our last day of school, but i didn’t realize it until my last night on senior trip. we didn’t do anything crazy, just a trip to destin. i wasn’t even really friends with half the people when we left, but now i think i love all of them just a little bit. the realization that night, though, was that it was our last time like that. i didn’t know at the time, but some of us would be moving to college or out of town a short three days after we got back. it wasn’t even all of us, but it was still the end. we’re all on our way to new places, some of us leaving a few days ago and some hanging on until the last second in august. but we’re all going away and from that night on, it’s going to be hard and maybe even impossible to get us all together again. i’m trying to enjoy the last bittersweet weeks you’ll find me in the 337 area code, and it’s definitely tough. but for the time being you’ll find me on the streets of lafayette, brand new stickers lined up all over the back of my car. so if you need me, you know how to get me.

and now future. this is the short part, for i have no idea what my future will be. i know what i want it to look like and i know where i’m going, but i’m not stopping there. i’ll be an austin girl beginning august 18, 2021, but you’ll always be able to find me right here. or if you’re really cool, you’ve got me on speed dial. i’ll keep you updated on the sitcom, of course, but not even i know what i’ll be up to a few months from now. but i’m keeping my promise. my life will be full and i’m going to keep making the most of it all, for as long as i live. and you can quote me on that.

so, class of 2021 and others near and dear to us, i bid you adieu. i’ll see some of you around town, on the internet, or maybe even in a mugshot once or twice. some of you i may never see again. but whether you know me or don’t, whether we speak or avoid one another, i hope you do well for yourself. i send all those i love and especially those i don’t hope for the future and good luck with wherever and whatever you end up.

keep in touch and i will too, that goes for everyone.

and with that, all i’ve got left to say is, i made the most of my time.

i love you all, may you be in all the rest of my seasons.

-lola claire :)